Remember I told you that Mallory and I had been asked to speak to an expectant mom? The meeting was yesterday. The mom didn't come. The social worker attributes it to her shyness and embarrassment at being unmarried and pregnant. I wonder if it's because she is really ambivalent and thinks we will be just more people trying to sway her.
I've thought about it a lot in the last few days. I've checked blogs, read some books. This woman's life circumstances make her the ideal birth mom in a lot of ways. She has very little support; financial, emotional, familial or educational. In a way her life is coercive. I actually sometimes feel worse about adoption in these circumstances. I really do believe is adoption is a choice, but how much of a choice is it if it looks like your only option?
When Noelle placed Mallory, no matter what other circumstances were there, I know (and she knew) that her parents would have helped her parent if she had truly thought that was the best decision. That comforts me. She had options. They may have all been really complicated options, but they were there. She and Mallory's first father actually made a plan, no one made the plan for them. That's the way I would like to see adoption.
I've thought lately about a lot of stuff I've learned about adoption in the past 17 years. I thought about my expectations as a potential adoptive parent, where I was wrong (a lot really), where love and compassion or just sheer luck helped us. I know there are definitely things that I did that were sins of omission or ignorance. Things I realize in retrospect were unethical or coercive. The thing is no one ever called me on it. No one ever gave me a gentle nudge to suggest altering my perspective. But that is because everyone agreed with me, even told me I was the important mom. Even our social workers who were wonderful compassionate women, and as birth parent centered as anyone I've ever met didn't enlighten me. I think it's likely that they hadn't been enlightened themselves. They loved birth moms, they even respected them, I just don't think they had thought about pushing it further and challenging expectations even further. Frankly they were cutting edge in the early 90's. They were already being told they were nuts pushing openness.
The flip side to all this hand wringing is that I know I've ultimately done right by Mallory as an adoptee, and by Noelle. They are both happy, whole people who know and love each other. If we hadn't made some of those "mistakes" we might have a different relationship or a different outcome. One of the things that is considered unethical now is our being chosen and meeting Noelle before Mallory's birth. I have no doubt in retrospect that there were elements in the building of that relationship that were coercive. However, I also have no doubt that we would not enjoy the same kinship if we hadn't bonded as four people before any of us became parents. It was one of best, happiest, most magical experiences of my life. The four of us fell in love I think. I wouldn't change that. I don't think Noelle would either.
I think like all love that adoption is complicated and messy. I think the people considering it on both sides need as objective and ethical advisers and counselors as they can find to help them see through the murky emotional waters. I'm thinking about ways I can be a part of that in the future.
I really do believe that real adoption reform is coming, but slowly. In the mean time, perhaps we need a grass roots movement to help change it one adoption (or non-adoption) at a time. I'm trying to figure out how you do this without the money, because I do believe money clouds the eyes of some adoption professionals. We are lucky that our agency is a non-profit. I would like to get it even farther away than that. I would like adoption to have no agency fees. It would be like a vocation. It would go back to finding homes for children, and options for parents, not finding babies for infertile people.
I'm thinking about it. It would be years away. It would be great to really be of assistance to a woman in an unexpected pregnancy, to show her all her choices. I would love to help the families that did choose adoption navigate the waters of what comes next. I think I could be a good resource.
Back to the expectant mom. I hope she has the courage and wisdom to figure out what is truly best for her and for her child. I pray that if she chooses to place that child she will choose adoptive parents who not only love her child, but honor and respect her. Light a candle for her you guys, she needs some good thoughts I think.