Vindauga

What No One Told Me About Adoption

I'm posting this as part of an adoption carnival from Grown in My Heart.

1) That one day I would love my child's first mom as much as a sister.

2) That nearly eighteen years later my child would miss her first mother with an intensity that sometimes makes her cry.

3) My daughter missing and loving her first mom does not negate her love for me or her dad.

4) Getting over my own feelings of possessiveness and entitlement were both harder and easier than I ever imagined.

5) That those feelings might actually be a problem, after all wasn't I the "real" mom?

6) That general public still would reinforce the same adoption mythology I bought into 20 years ago.

7) That recognizing and validating and sharing motherhood with another woman is a lot easier than I thought it would be.

8) That I'd still have to defend "open" adoption to people who know nothing about it, and they'd say I was wrong. I've been doing it for a long, long time people. It works.

9) That adoption in general is far from perfect, and even with every change we can think of, it will never be perfect.

10) That it's taught me to be a better parent, friend, daughter and person.

Passages

Today we had Mallory's senior portraits taken. It was a wonderful session. Three outdoor locations, two studio sessions, five outfits. Way more than the wicker chair and drape of my high school days. Way more money too.

I had put aside a little cash here and there to pay for it. Then the car died. The a/c broke. The dog died, not without spending some dough for her final days either. So we really couldn't afford to have the nice senior pictures. We should've just had a portrait done at the mall. Mallory would've understood. She's thrifty. Actually she's miserly.

But I couldn't cancel the session. We've been planning it for months, we did a ton of research. So we're all eating pancakes and tofu chili dogs for a couple of months. If you aren't my progeny, you're getting a picture of Mallory for Christmas.

The photographer was wonderful and spent three hours working with her.  I can't wait to see the shots. I texted Noelle during the middle of it and sent her some pictures. Another milestone towards adulthood. I was verklempt. Noelle was too. It seemed wrong that she wasn't there to squeeze my hand at the times Mal was so beautiful it took my breath away. Mal really reminded me of Noelle when we first met. Noelle was just a little older than Mallory is now. It hardly seems possible we've come this far.

Today's experience and Vidalia's comment on the last post made me think about some perspective on the "end" of our whole open adoption experience. Obviously these relationships will be life long, but if you had to put an end date, a date to look back, it seems like the next year is the logical place. Mallory is nearly 18. She'll graduate high school. She'll leave home.

I would love it if the three of us could sit down and write something about what this journey has been to us, both good and bad. I'll talk to Noelle and Mallory about it, in real life people have told us for years that we need to tell our story. I feel like I've done a lot of that through this blog, but it's been mostly my voice.

I'd like a forum for all of us to have more equal footing. I'm tossing some ideas around in my head.

We'll keep you posted.

Just Right

Mallory visited Noelle this summer and had a great visit. She asked if she could go back for Christmas break, and everyone checked schedules and said yes.

She is paying for her own ticket, so price is a consideration. I've been monitoring fares for the last couple of weeks and have gagged at how expensive flying can be. Today, I changed some dates around and realized she could fly much cheaper on Christmas day. We originally had her going on the 26th but that cost $100 more.

However, on Christmas, all I could find were long flights that basically denied her Christmas with anyone but flight attendants. It really bothered me.

I just checked another airline and found a late morning flight that gets to Noelle's at 5:00. Please, please let the weather cooperate.

It's perfect. She gets Christmas morning with us, and Christmas dinner with Noelle. It seems like the way it should be, don't you think?

Family Ties

Mason spent last Saturday night with his first mom. When we took Mal on the college tour a couple of weeks ago, he stayed with her for the weekend. I think he likely is going to spend one weekend a month with her. Maybe more.

He has always been told the basic circumstances surrounding his adoption, and can at least repeat them back to you. It's hard to know how much he understands. He is six. He hasn't asked many questions or expressed much interest. Now seeing his first mom more often, he asks more about what actually brought him into our family. He is coming to his own conclusions about where he fits in.

His first mom has step-children. The other day he told Lin that his first mom's step-children were his step-brothers and sisters. Lin agreed. Then he told Lin she was his step-friend. She didn't even look up but said "Nope, I'm your sister." He argued with her a bit. It was obvious he was trying to get a rise out of her. She didn't bite. They moved on and argued about something important like who knocked over the Lincoln Log tower or whose turn it was to check on Webkinz.

The conversation was routine. It was just ordinary. I frankly like adoption woven into our daily lives this way. We have plenty of big conversations, but I don't want my children to feel like adoption is this "other" that is so complicated it's only saved for big conversations.

I know when I was a younger, less experienced parent Mason's questions would've given me a quake in my stomach and made me question open adoption. Like he wouldn't have had the questions or wondered about his adoption if he weren't confronted with these other relationships. Plenty of people have told me this. People who know nothing more about open adoption than reading a headline or two or watching a Lifetime movie.

I think this is a stage that a lot of adoptive parents throw in the towel on open adoption. It lets them give in to their own fears and questions. They believe the openess not the adoption causes their child angst, and is undermining their bond with their child. It's easy to see how this happens. Suddenly visits are stopped, updates are less frequent and a first parent is told that openess is too confusing for their child. The relationships go away, and talking about adoption goes away. Except I'm sure for the kid. The questions don't go away, just the ability to feel safe asking them does.

This is our second open adoption. We've got experience on our side. When we worked through these bumps with Mallory, Noelle and I had a strong relationship that wouldn't allow me to give in to my darkest fears about the validity of my own motherhood. So instead, I plowed through them, because I had no choice. I couldn't give up Noelle, I loved her, Mallory loved her. I might squirm internally when Mallory would wonder what her life would be like with Noelle, but externally I had to help her explore that.

And just like that "fake it until you make it" mantra, it eventually worked. Mallory's questions and wondering not only allowed her to work things out emotionally, but it allowed me to as well. It forced me to use my heart and brain and get to the place where I was comfortable as an equal mother rather than the "real" mother.

So now, when Mason questions the validity of a sibling relationship, I'll talk to him. I know one day he will have no more questions about who is who. He'll have his own definitions. It's our job to give him the space and safe place to figure them out. And that is what all parenting, through adoption or birth, is about in my opinion.

Conversations that never happened

Remember I told you that Mallory and I had been asked to speak to an expectant mom? The meeting was yesterday. The mom didn't come. The social worker attributes it to her shyness and embarrassment at being unmarried and pregnant. I wonder if it's because she is really ambivalent and thinks we will be just more people trying to sway her.

I've thought about it a lot in the last few days.  I've checked blogs, read some books. This woman's life circumstances make her the ideal birth mom in a lot of ways. She has very little support; financial, emotional, familial or educational. In a way her life is coercive. I actually sometimes feel worse about adoption in these circumstances. I really do believe is adoption is a choice, but how much of a choice is it if it looks like your only option?

When Noelle placed Mallory, no matter what other circumstances were there, I know (and she knew) that her parents would have helped her parent if she had truly thought that was the best decision. That comforts me. She had options. They may have all been really complicated options, but they were there. She and Mallory's first father actually made a plan, no one made the plan for them. That's the way I would like to see adoption.

I've thought lately about a lot of stuff I've learned about adoption in the past 17 years. I thought about my expectations as a potential adoptive parent, where I was wrong (a lot really), where love and compassion or just sheer luck helped us. I know there are definitely things that I did that were sins of omission or ignorance. Things I realize in retrospect were unethical or coercive. The thing is no one ever called me on it. No one ever gave me a gentle nudge to suggest altering my perspective. But that is because everyone agreed with me, even told me I was the important mom. Even our social workers who were wonderful compassionate women, and as birth parent centered as anyone I've ever met didn't enlighten me. I think it's likely that they hadn't been enlightened themselves. They loved birth moms, they even respected them, I just don't think they had thought about pushing it further and challenging expectations even further. Frankly they were cutting edge in the early 90's.  They were already being told they were nuts pushing openness.

The flip side to all this hand wringing is that I know I've ultimately done right by Mallory as an adoptee, and by Noelle. They are both happy, whole people who know and love each other. If we hadn't made some of those "mistakes" we might have a different relationship or a different outcome. One of the things that is considered unethical now is our being chosen and meeting Noelle before Mallory's birth. I have no doubt in retrospect that there were elements in the building of that relationship that were coercive. However, I also have no doubt that we would not enjoy the same kinship if we hadn't bonded as four people before any of us became parents. It was one of best, happiest, most magical experiences of my life. The four of us fell in love I think. I wouldn't change that. I don't think Noelle would either.

I think like all love that adoption is complicated and messy. I think the people considering it on both sides need as objective and ethical advisers and counselors as they can find to help them see through the murky emotional waters. I'm thinking about ways I can be a part of that in the future.

I really do believe that real adoption reform is coming, but slowly. In the mean time, perhaps we need a grass roots movement to help change it one adoption (or non-adoption) at a time. I'm trying to figure out how you do this without the money, because I do believe money clouds the eyes of some adoption professionals. We are lucky that our agency is a non-profit. I would like to get it even farther away than that. I would like adoption to have no agency fees.  It would be like a vocation.  It would go back to finding homes for children, and options for parents, not finding babies for infertile people.

I'm thinking about it. It would be years away. It would be great to really be of assistance to a woman in an unexpected pregnancy, to show her all her choices. I would love to help the families that did choose adoption navigate the waters of what comes next.  I think I could be a good resource.

Back to the expectant mom. I hope she has the courage and wisdom to figure out what is truly best for her and for her child. I pray that if she chooses to place that child she will choose adoptive parents who not only love her child, but honor and respect her. Light a candle for her you guys, she needs some good thoughts I think.