Vindauga: Family Ties

Mason spent last Saturday night with his first mom. When we took Mal on the college tour a couple of weeks ago, he stayed with her for the weekend. I think he likely is going to spend one weekend a month with her. Maybe more.

He has always been told the basic circumstances surrounding his adoption, and can at least repeat them back to you. It's hard to know how much he understands. He is six. He hasn't asked many questions or expressed much interest. Now seeing his first mom more often, he asks more about what actually brought him into our family. He is coming to his own conclusions about where he fits in.

His first mom has step-children. The other day he told Lin that his first mom's step-children were his step-brothers and sisters. Lin agreed. Then he told Lin she was his step-friend. She didn't even look up but said "Nope, I'm your sister." He argued with her a bit. It was obvious he was trying to get a rise out of her. She didn't bite. They moved on and argued about something important like who knocked over the Lincoln Log tower or whose turn it was to check on Webkinz.

The conversation was routine. It was just ordinary. I frankly like adoption woven into our daily lives this way. We have plenty of big conversations, but I don't want my children to feel like adoption is this "other" that is so complicated it's only saved for big conversations.

I know when I was a younger, less experienced parent Mason's questions would've given me a quake in my stomach and made me question open adoption. Like he wouldn't have had the questions or wondered about his adoption if he weren't confronted with these other relationships. Plenty of people have told me this. People who know nothing more about open adoption than reading a headline or two or watching a Lifetime movie.

I think this is a stage that a lot of adoptive parents throw in the towel on open adoption. It lets them give in to their own fears and questions. They believe the openess not the adoption causes their child angst, and is undermining their bond with their child. It's easy to see how this happens. Suddenly visits are stopped, updates are less frequent and a first parent is told that openess is too confusing for their child. The relationships go away, and talking about adoption goes away. Except I'm sure for the kid. The questions don't go away, just the ability to feel safe asking them does.

This is our second open adoption. We've got experience on our side. When we worked through these bumps with Mallory, Noelle and I had a strong relationship that wouldn't allow me to give in to my darkest fears about the validity of my own motherhood. So instead, I plowed through them, because I had no choice. I couldn't give up Noelle, I loved her, Mallory loved her. I might squirm internally when Mallory would wonder what her life would be like with Noelle, but externally I had to help her explore that.

And just like that "fake it until you make it" mantra, it eventually worked. Mallory's questions and wondering not only allowed her to work things out emotionally, but it allowed me to as well. It forced me to use my heart and brain and get to the place where I was comfortable as an equal mother rather than the "real" mother.

So now, when Mason questions the validity of a sibling relationship, I'll talk to him. I know one day he will have no more questions about who is who. He'll have his own definitions. It's our job to give him the space and safe place to figure them out. And that is what all parenting, through adoption or birth, is about in my opinion.