Conversations that never happened

Remember I told you that Mallory and I had been asked to speak to an expectant mom? The meeting was yesterday. The mom didn't come. The social worker attributes it to her shyness and embarrassment at being unmarried and pregnant. I wonder if it's because she is really ambivalent and thinks we will be just more people trying to sway her.

I've thought about it a lot in the last few days.  I've checked blogs, read some books. This woman's life circumstances make her the ideal birth mom in a lot of ways. She has very little support; financial, emotional, familial or educational. In a way her life is coercive. I actually sometimes feel worse about adoption in these circumstances. I really do believe is adoption is a choice, but how much of a choice is it if it looks like your only option?

When Noelle placed Mallory, no matter what other circumstances were there, I know (and she knew) that her parents would have helped her parent if she had truly thought that was the best decision. That comforts me. She had options. They may have all been really complicated options, but they were there. She and Mallory's first father actually made a plan, no one made the plan for them. That's the way I would like to see adoption.

I've thought lately about a lot of stuff I've learned about adoption in the past 17 years. I thought about my expectations as a potential adoptive parent, where I was wrong (a lot really), where love and compassion or just sheer luck helped us. I know there are definitely things that I did that were sins of omission or ignorance. Things I realize in retrospect were unethical or coercive. The thing is no one ever called me on it. No one ever gave me a gentle nudge to suggest altering my perspective. But that is because everyone agreed with me, even told me I was the important mom. Even our social workers who were wonderful compassionate women, and as birth parent centered as anyone I've ever met didn't enlighten me. I think it's likely that they hadn't been enlightened themselves. They loved birth moms, they even respected them, I just don't think they had thought about pushing it further and challenging expectations even further. Frankly they were cutting edge in the early 90's.  They were already being told they were nuts pushing openness.

The flip side to all this hand wringing is that I know I've ultimately done right by Mallory as an adoptee, and by Noelle. They are both happy, whole people who know and love each other. If we hadn't made some of those "mistakes" we might have a different relationship or a different outcome. One of the things that is considered unethical now is our being chosen and meeting Noelle before Mallory's birth. I have no doubt in retrospect that there were elements in the building of that relationship that were coercive. However, I also have no doubt that we would not enjoy the same kinship if we hadn't bonded as four people before any of us became parents. It was one of best, happiest, most magical experiences of my life. The four of us fell in love I think. I wouldn't change that. I don't think Noelle would either.

I think like all love that adoption is complicated and messy. I think the people considering it on both sides need as objective and ethical advisers and counselors as they can find to help them see through the murky emotional waters. I'm thinking about ways I can be a part of that in the future.

I really do believe that real adoption reform is coming, but slowly. In the mean time, perhaps we need a grass roots movement to help change it one adoption (or non-adoption) at a time. I'm trying to figure out how you do this without the money, because I do believe money clouds the eyes of some adoption professionals. We are lucky that our agency is a non-profit. I would like to get it even farther away than that. I would like adoption to have no agency fees.  It would be like a vocation.  It would go back to finding homes for children, and options for parents, not finding babies for infertile people.

I'm thinking about it. It would be years away. It would be great to really be of assistance to a woman in an unexpected pregnancy, to show her all her choices. I would love to help the families that did choose adoption navigate the waters of what comes next.  I think I could be a good resource.

Back to the expectant mom. I hope she has the courage and wisdom to figure out what is truly best for her and for her child. I pray that if she chooses to place that child she will choose adoptive parents who not only love her child, but honor and respect her. Light a candle for her you guys, she needs some good thoughts I think.

Comments

[dawn]

This really helps me understand why I'm so uncomfortable with the burning building model of "good" adoption. I'm not sure why it's more ethical to adopt when a mom's hand is forced by poverty/circumstance than when a woman makes a choice. Of course the challenge is knowing when that's a free choice. (I don't ascribe to the idea that any woman who chooses to place her child is by definition unreasonable, obviously.)

I wish she had come to the meeting. I think it would have helped her make sense of her options but maybe all the prayers will help, right? (I just read a book about a guy who used Zen to deal with his leukemia and he wrote some pretty compelling stuff about prayer/meditation so I'm swinging from skeptic -- I'll swing back again. sigh.)

[Lilian]

I'm absolutely certain that you would be a wonderful resource (and Dawn too, although she feels that she still has much to learn from you) and I hope you can find a way to work on this idea and make it a reality.

Now, I was surprised by your assertion that critics consider a meeting between prospective birth mothers and prospective a-parents unethical. Are there any agencies that operate differently than that nowadays? Only four years ago Dawn did get to meet Pennie, for example. How else would a prospective b-mom decide what to do? and who to choose?

Very complicated...

[Lisa V]

Actually Lillian it's not agencies, it's first/birth parents who've brought to light that pre-matches before birth can be coercive. It may make an expectant mom feel obligated to place a child so she doesn't disappoint the couple she has met and may really like.

This is the funny thing I was aware of this possiblity when we were pre-matched with Mallory, but didn't really think about the ramifications of it. Lots of people would ask if we thought Mal's parent would change their mind. I would always answer "no, they love us and would never hurt us." Yeah, I was an ass. I thought my desires were the important ones. The flip side, after the baby was with us, that same love made it so I never wanted to do anything to hurt Noelle. I knew her.

Agencies still really commonly do pre-matches as far as I know.

[Margie]

"The thing is no one ever called me on it"

Yes. Exactly.

And as you say, when there's only one option, there is no choice. I think this is the case in a lot more situations where we think more than one option exists.

Coercion can take the form of hopelessness and confusion, too, I think. Unless a woman is presented with concrete assistance, she may never get past these.

Ah, it's just so hard. Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

[Misty]

Our agency does pre-matches. We had one last April where we met the first/birth mom and then, in the hospital everything fell apart. We were all devestated. I can see how pre-matches can be coercive. I hadn't thought of it that way.

[Lisa V]

Misty, that is one of the reasons that pre-matches are also loaded for potential adoptive parents. You begin to feel the baby is "yours" so it is a real loss when the expectant mother decides to keep parenting her child. I think no matter how much someone may caution you, it's hard not to become emotionally invested.

[jo(e)]

I always learn so much from these posts. So much here that I've never even thought about before ....

[Libby]

A couple weekends ago I was at my brother's house, talking to my pregnant SIL. I was a bridesmaid at their wedding a couple years ago, and we were chatting about the other bridesmaids and what they were up to. She told me one is adopting, and the baby is due right around the same time as she was (Thanksgiving), and they were planning on taking a newborn care class together, etc. She mentioned that "there was some drama a while back" but things seemed to be "looking good" as far as the adoption now. I just sat there, speechless. My SIL, who I adore, is a highly intelligent, sensitive, calm and reasonable person. But it just hit me that she has the "general public" view when it comes to adoption - that the "drama" is when things might go wrong, for the PAP. No thought whatsoever to the expectant mother. I literally could not say a word to her. I just stared at my 11 year old, who I had "drama" with immediately after she was born, when I changed my mind and kept her.

[Lisa V]

I know Libby, sometimes it's so weird to realize that people still believe there are people that are more worthy parents than others, and that a birth parent is just an obstacle to a child.

[Unsignedmasterpiece]

I came across your thoughtful post by way of ThirdMom's site.

I have heard people describe a birth mother as clearly unstable because after heading toward adoption she decided to keep her child. I have heard people say the issue is - Who has the right to raise a child.

I think it is one of the great blessings of the internet that our mothers'voices are being heard and that the other side of the story is coming out.

I physically clench inside when I hear disparaging remarks about a mother who is waivering. Clench and whisper - keep your baby. Many of us know we were convinced that we were not what was best for our child when time, and sometimes reunion, has proven that to be untrue.

[E]

Meeting the prospective adoptive parents in person would provide an expectant mother with crucial information needed before making a decision, don't you think? Surely that contact is a good thing. But maybe actually matching the two families before the child is born takes it too far. Maybe then there is too much pressure to follow through and not "change her mind".

Thanks for your thoughtfulness. This perspective is nearly absent from mainstream media geared to adoptive families. Thank God for blogs.