Talking about adoption

I've been asked to informally talk to an expectant mother considering adoption. It's a weird situation for me. I talk to potential adoptive parents a lot. I have no problem with that, and consider myself a pretty good source for them. I bring up ethics and openness and think I do it a non-threatening but enlightening way. A pregnant woman though?

This scares me.

I don't want to be part of any coercion.

Her life circumstances don't make this a no-brainer either way.

I don't want to influence her to do something that she will later regret.

I also don't want to demean her or undermine her if adoption is truly what she wants to do. Maybe needs to do.

Crap.

I've been tossing it around all day. I just don't know what to say or do. And maybe all she wants is for me to answer questions. But the truth is that I have ton of questions for her. How is her support system? Does she qualify for assistance? Can she see herself as a mother? What's the father like?  And truthfully, none of that is my business. Not one bit. I just don't know how else you show someone what all their options are, and give them the full picture of both sides of motherhood. I honestly don't want to influence her either way. I truly want it to be her choice.

Okay any first moms, tell me what you wish someone had said to you. Or what someone DID say to you that helped you clarify your thoughts.

Comments

[dawn]

Feel free to post this on Open Adoption Support as a front page post or I can post it as a FAQ. But honestly Lisa, I think you'll be helpful and I'm glad you're there for her to talk to.

[gawdessness]

I don't count as a first mom but I did do counselling with planned parenthood for a year and talked to lots of pregnant women and from that experience - listen, reflect back and answer questions as honestly as you can and seriously, that sounds like the you, I have gotten to know through this blog- I think Dawn is right.

[Rosie]

Give them the best information you can. That's all you can do. Good luck.

[Clover]

What if you just tell her you feel awkward about it and ask her what does she think she needs from you and you'll do your best to provide that. You could also ask her if she's open to some questions from you as well or if she just wants to do all the asking.

[noelle]

I think the best thing you can do is give her an ear and answer questions as honestly as you can. In my situation, my mind was pretty much made up by the time I talked to my folks because I knew what their reaction would be. She may just need to put her thoughts out there. If she has doubts, you would be a great person to not play on them or take it as an opening to convince her. You have a realistic perspective of adoption and all the stuff that goes with it. Go back to the rules of kindergarten, don't speak unless asked a direct question and answer honestly. To be considering adoption and wanting to talk to someone other than perspective adoptive parents but parents that have built a family through adoption is great. She can ask those questions about changing her mind or what is the process knowing all the while she isn't getting your hopes up at the thought of that baby you do desparately want. No matter what you say, you will say the right thing - even if you don't say anything. I can't wait to hear how it goes. You will do great! You are amazing at getting people to talk through things. Your sense of humor will put her at ease and she will walk away informed with at least one person's opinion I admire and look up to.

[Misty]

I'm a "second mom" but, I worked as a "single and pregnant support" person. I have to agree with all these comments. It's one of those things. You can just be open to her and say, "hey, I'm here for you..I don't know what you need. But, just talk with me." I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out. I've seen that people want to hear my opinion but, I always tell them, it's up to them to decide what's best. You can help present the facts if she wants. Let her guide the conversation.

[cynthia]

I second Noelle.