Father's Day at Our House

We hosted a cookout last night for all the men in our family that won't be with their children today. It was fun; good laughs, good food.Rory made cards for everyone.

Today it's been laid back. The kids made cards for Bert, we got him a claymation short that he loves, Harvey Krumpet. Tonight I'll make something he likes for dinner, and we might go see the The Happening, because we both love scary (though not bloody) and that film is getting good reviews.

We called all the long distance dads in our lives. Mason called R, his first/birth* father to wish him a Happy Father's Day. Bert and R finalized plans for Bert and Mason to visit R in Seattle and catch a baseball game. R bought the game tickets (who know that pro-baseball was so expensive) and we put the plane tickets on a credit card. We can't afford it, but it seems like a necessary splurge to both of us. Paying to deepen a relationship or offer an experience seems worth it to us. They will stay with R and Mason will get reacquainted with R's sisters and their family. All of his cousins are in high school or college, but they are all excited about seeing him again.

Mason is REALLY excited because he gets to fly on a plane. Bert's very happy to see a Tiger game. I'm most happy because I feel like this is one of those chances for Mason to feel at ease with both his fathers. I hope that R really does believe now that we want him as part of Mason's life. I also hope that he can see we will treat their relationship with honor and dignity. It hasn't always been easy for any of us. It feels like we are on the road to something good for everyone involved.

I think that while I've played with the importance of Mallory's relationship to Noelle over and over in my head, I still have work to do with Mason. This is likely true of most of the adoption community in my experience. Fathers seem to be forgotten and need to be talked about more. I don't just mean birth fathers either, but adoptive fathers. I don't see men's roles explored in the same way women's have. 

Another area to explore for me is what's different in terms of first family relationships when those first parents tried parenting and couldn't. How does that change open adoption?  I don't know. I really don't. But I know that it is something that needs to be examined.

However those are conversations for another day, or maybe even other people. Chime in, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

*We use mostly birth father at home, as does R. It's short hand to the relationship for most of society. I really prefer "first" for R, because he did parent Mason for a year, but I seem to be the only one to use it. No one else in our lives gets hung up over the terminology, except me.

Comments

[Misty]

I'm really big on the term "birth father/mother". My little one has only known my husband and I as his mom and dad. Am I selfish? Yes. Jealous? Maybe. We recently had a situation with our little one's birthfather (jail, abusive to birthmom...) and he started understanding my protective feelings towards our son.
I agree, people don't talk a lot about men's roles. At church they are starting to really talk more about fathers and I've really enjoyed it.

[Misty]

oops, in my post I meant to say that my HUSBAND now understands my protective feelings towards our son.

[Lisa V]

Misty, there are first/birth parents who think the term "birth" demeans their role in a child's life. They find term offensive because of it. There are others who are comfortable with it.

I've seen the term "first" and "natural" used in alternate. I have no problem with either term. Natural to mean would mean the person one is born to, since it is out of the norm that a child is raised by different parents. In no way do I think that would mean an adoptive parent was unnatural. Likewise the term "first" makes sense because chronilogically they were the first parents, and we were the second. I don't think it diminishes the adoptive parents role, it's logical if you think about it.

As for what my children call us, yes you are right that we are the only mom and dad. Our children refer to all their first parents by their first names.

One thing I want to point out is that every adoptive parent and birth parent is at a different place in their journey. When Mallory was little I likely would've likely perceived "first" or "natural" as negative to my role as a parent. Now, I'm pretty secure in the fact that we can all be parents in whatever way it is comfortable, and the naming of those roles is no big deal. If Mallory wanted to call Noelle "Mom" I would be fine.

I commonly use birth in every day language because it is shorthand for people to understand the relational ties to my children.

[Clover]

Birth or first seem similar to me and okay from the adoptive parents' perspective. I have a really hard time with natural, because it implies unnatural for the adoptive parent. Its like that SAT section where you have to come up with synonyms/antonyms. When I think birth parent, then I think adoptive parent, which is fine. When I think first parent, I think second parent, which is a little weird to me, but when you think of it in chronological terms, okay fine. When I think natural parent, I can't help but think "unnatural" and I'm so not okay with that. I understand that adoption communities have historically been insensitive to the needs of birth/first parents, but I think using "natural" is just not something I could ever imagine being comfortable with.
Of course, this is all hypothetical thinking out loud and not my daily life, as our circumstances are quite different.