A Visitor

I got word last night that Mace's first father is coming to town this weekend for Mace's 6th birthday. This will be the first time we've seen him in three years.

I actually think I somehow cosmically conjured this visit. Mace stayed with his grandmother last week. After he came home, he was quietly playing with cars while I washed dishes. He sang little songs, made comments to himself. I wondered if he had done this at his grandmother's. Did he remind her of his first father? Was this something R had done? Were they similar little boys ? I made a conscious note to mention to her that I thought it would be natural for her to talk about stuff like this with him.

I know his grandparents error on the side of being too cautious when mentioning adoption. They don't want to confuse him. They don't want to offend us. They truly don't get how comfortable we are with his first parents. They are older, adoption was different. Our issues are more complicated because of mistakes his first parents made. Some of those mistakes had the potential to cause harm to Mace both physically and emotionally. In part, that's why we are now his parents.

Mace understands he has a first father, but it's really basic. He doesn't see him. I don't know if he will remember him. I have honestly wished recently that R were around once in awhile so Mace could get to know him and better understand his relationship to him.

See? I conjured him.

When R agreed to let us raise Mace, part of that agreement was that he got to see Mace without our supervision.  Then we found out on a visit he had made some poor decisions that affected Mace's safety.  He had two more visits after that, but was with either Mace's first mother or his own parents. We never had to confront him about that poor choice, because Mace was with people we trusted. Then he quit visiting.

I have to say, I'm excited, but apprehensive about this visit. More excited really. But I haven't thought through how we are going to handle it if R asks to take Mace alone. I think Mace would likely be safe. But I wonder if he would be scared or uncomfortable. I sincerely don't know that he remembers him. Plus, it's his birthday, I would like to spend some of his birthday with him.

I think we are just going to have set eyes on R and figure out the situation. I think it will likely be a seat of our pants, gut decision. I'm trying to work out all the contingencies in my head.

The other complication? I haven't told Mace. I'm scared R won't show and I don't want to get him excited and have him disappointed on his birthday.

Like I said, excited, but apprehensive.

Comments

[cynthia]

nice work there, psychic lady. i hope the visit happens and is a great one. re safety/ boundaries, i have no doubt at all you'll make the best decision for mace.

[timna]

that would make me tense. you seem to be making sense and letting it flow.

[jo(e)]

Oh, I hope it goes well.

[CTS]

My fingers are crossed. It's so loaded when so much time has gone by, and he's so young. I hope it goes well for all.

[hmbalison]

I think I conjured up this post, so there! I bet you didn't know we have a psychic connection and that your post was meant for me today. Thanks for addressing some important issues.

My son's first mother and her family came to visit for Easter. My son was so sweet with her 3 kids--tying shoes, hiding Easter eggs, holding hands. We've had an ongoing relationship with her and her extended family since my son's birth. It's been a really positive experience for everyone.

With my daughter it is a different story. She has mail/letter contact with her first father, and he's been consistent and caring for the decade since the adoption. Her first mom has disappeared for the last 4 years. Both parents have had boundary issues that have made us a little nervous (and her first mom has had drug/instablity issues), but my daughter is starting to ask questions about visits (and I know she's becoming aware that we visit my son's family but not her first family). Her first father called last week for the first time in over a year asking if she'd like to see him.

I think we are inclined to plan a visit this summer. Like you, we haven't said anything because we are concerned about whether her first father will show up--and who he will bring--and if he'll say something like, "I'm your real father."

I want my daughter to have a positive experience and to not be disappointed or confused. I have no doubt her first father loves her and cares about her, but she's never met him in person. Frankly, I'm nervous about the visit--how it will go, how she will feel....But we are committed to open adoption, so my husband and I will make it happen even though we have nervous feelings.

I hope Mace's birthday goes well and that he is able to have some quality time with is first father and you all.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by the complexities of open adoption, I always come back to the bottom line that it's about my kids and what they need and want--and what will help them grow into healthy people.

HMBalison

[Her Grace]

Very big, very big. I hope it all goes well.

[Songbird]

Wow. You are powerful! But we knew that.

[ppb]

Total non-parent assvice:
Call first dad, say you're excited about this but understand he has a busy schedule and all so would he mind calling you from the road on his way to your place? You want to give mace a little advanced notice, but not so much that he gets over excited. And if he wants to take Mace away--just quietly say it's been so long that mason might be a little uncomfortable--how about with his parents this time and alone next time--?
My guess is if biodad hasn't seen him in 3 years, he won't want to take him out alone righ taway anyhow. I mean a 3 year old and a 6 year old are totally different kids, right?

[ppb]

oh and i'm really happy for you. you so want the best for your kids; it's great when the planets align for that to happen.--oh the planets and yor superpowers, i mean.