We are an adoption triad, Noelle speaks-

When I started this secret blog, Noelle was the second real life person I told. She has been very tolerant of me telling our story from my perspective, and when Cynthia asked, she generously shared her's. For more about this visit read here and here.

     The week I spent with Mallory  was incredible. I was really nervous leading up to the visit because it seemed like a Mythbusters episode was about to occur. Our time spent together up to that point had been very much orchestrated and generally supervised. This visit was going to give Mallory the first real glimpse into my life – my life as a mom to two other girls and wife to someone other than her birthfather. Not that I had any thought that she assumed me to lead an exciting life but the fact that I was just another person would be revealed. Would her seeing the girls eating Pop Tarts, as a meal – not just breakfast either, be a total letdown, would the fact that we sit home and do nothing bore her to tears? 

      Both she and I share a shy nature and we have this goofy way of thinking that we assume by asking a question, we would be prying because ‘if they wanted me to know that, they would tell me’ and yet we never know what the other person might be thinking or want to know.

       So, she gets here and it was amazing. Analise and I pick up this curly haired scrawny teenager from the airport and Analise just stares at her and grins. Mallory and I had been texting each other on the phone most of the day so when I saw her, I was as goofy as Analise, just staring at her biting my cheek to convince myself it was my life being lived and not me watching some movie.

     Analise pretty much took over all activities upon Mallory arriving at the house. Polly Pockets were drug out, Barbies and Groovy Girls displayed, dress up clothes modeled, the fun never ceased, if you were the 5 year old. Mallory took it all in and played right along with her. For me it was amazing to see the two of them playing together. To see Mallory, a mini-me, with Analise, a mini-her daddy mixed in with Dariah it was incredible. Dariah was very standoffish which had more to do with her age than anything. If Mallory were to come out now she would be a completely different 2 year old with her. There isn’t a lot of excitement in our house and it stays quiet most of the day. I think for Mallory that was a shock as I think she is used to a house with tons of action and clever conversation.

     Once the kids would go to bed Mallory and I would sit up and talk. We would talk about her friends and school and being nervous about the big new school and about her choir trip. Neither of us really approached the big topic of adoption. I didn’t want to just throw it out there if she really didn’t want to hear it. And I don’t know that there was much I could tell her she hadn’t heard before but I do realize as she grows older even the same stories can give her a different understanding.

     I would tell stories of how I met her birthfather, and working at the ice cream store and the things we would do before I got pregnant. I didn’t try to gloss over the adoption. I never once considered that she would be mine. I just knew it wouldn’t be possible and it isn’t that I wanted something more for my life; it is that I wanted her to have something more. As they say, ‘love don’t pay the bills’. She deserved a life with people that could take care of her in the ways I knew I couldn’t and also in a way that I knew her birthfather never would.

     I don’t think seeing us in all our glory here gave Mallory that feeling of “if only they had kept me, I could be living here playing with Groovy Girls”. I honestly believe that Mallory knew that nothing would be as it was as she was visiting us had I kept her but I think she was genuinely happy for me to realize what my life had finally become – that I was finally in a place to have kids.

     I spent so many years standing outside of Lisa’s family – always available to babysit or trick-or-treat just to spend time with that family. I craved that family life and Lisa was always willing to share it with me. So for Mallory to come and be a part of the family that I was finally able to have made it a bittersweet experience. Who wouldn’t want Mallory as their kid? And then to see her play with Analise and Dariah and wonder what it would be like if she were their big sister and I could totally take advantage of it and have a live in babysitter so I could finally go out!!

     Getting to know Mallory was so much fun. Is it nature is it nurture? She has her mom’s biting wit and my desire to never see someone lose at anything. She has her birthfather’s snobbery in terms of her music is better than everyone else’s. She eats just like I do – we order chicken pizza without chicken, pizza margherita – pizza, pizza, pizza and veggie burgers and veggie burritos. The only thing that really surprised me was a talk of losers and how she seemed to be classified as one. I never was able to tell if it was her own classification or if she was really struggling at school. I look at her and can’t see anything loser-y in her. She isn’t typical girly-girl but she is beautiful and funny and smart.

     The week with Mallory was great and I would love to do it again. I would love to have her sisters come too and someday maybe that will happen. Mallory will always be someone else’s daughter and someone else’s sister and I love that because I love her parents and her siblings like I do my own family.

There are times I have to remind myself that there is something different about Mallory. When Mallory left the hospital with Bert and Lisa, I spent the next 6 months making sense of all that, severing the mother-child bond that formed and trying to build it into something else. It involved silly phone calls asking what she was doing (at 3 days old) and numerous cards and letters and pictures.

     For my 21^st birthday, we all met at a park and had a picnic and watched this beautiful chubby baby crawl and swing and laugh and smile. I watched her mommy and daddy just oogle at her and show off her tricks with a pride I knew I had a hand in providing and I knew that everything was as it should be. A few weeks later, the three of them came to the courthouse wedding of Mallory’s birthfather and me and years later they were all there to comfort me as the marriage failed. A couple years after that, those three with the addition of Aubree and Linley were there at my wedding. The sisters and their cousin being the flower girls (in dresses my daughter now wears with pride) and Bert performing the ceremony. A year after that they were the first guests at the hospital to welcome Analise into the world and the first to receive e-mails after the birth of Dairah.

     No matter what form it takes, my life is forever weaved into this family and it has been richer because of it. Mallory gave this to me and I thank her from the bottom of my heart!!

Comments

[Gawdess]

Um...
Freaking WOW!
Just lovely and wonderful to be able to read it.
Thank you both.

[Libby]

Oh man. Noelle, you are amazing. Thank you so much for writing this. What an incredible family you all are.

[cynthia]

Noelle, thank you so, so much for sharing this with us. I know you would be my idol too if I was a kid. Actually, wait, you're totally my idol now. Also, I don't think i've ever seen a stronger physical resemblance between mother and daughter. What absolutely beautiful women you both are.

much gratitude, and all best wishes to your family-
Cynthia

[Julie]

Thank you for sharing this.

[LisaV]

Thank you Noelle. I love you.

I am so lucky to have you in my life. Truly, I'm like lottery lucky. Like sleeping with George Clooney lucky. Damn lucky.

[Lilian]

Incredible, absolutely incredible and moving (I'm wiping tears right now). No wonder Dawn looks up to Lisa and Noelle so much. Thanks for sharing this Noelle. Wow. And that photo is so beautiful -- I felt the same way Cynthia did, the resemblance between mother and daughter is remarkable.

P.S. I've been reading your blog on and off (mostly because I haven't updated my blogroll in ages to add yours) for three years now, but I realize I should definitely become a "regular" :).

[Heather.PNR]

Thank you so much, Noelle. I wish everyone considering domestic adoption would read these three posts and see what an open adoption can look like. Y'all are really cool.

[Amanda]

Thank you all so much for sharing this series with us. Like others have said, you are all my heroes..truly.

[yankee,transferred]

Another excellent post. Noelle, you are brave and wonderful, and I know from experience that you have given Lisa and Mallory the greatest gift of all.
Love to all of you.

[Shannon]

You sure as heck are lucky, Lisa. Beautiful photo. Wow, Mal looks like a mirror image of Noelle!