More Than a Vacation

I haven't written about Mal's open adoption for a long time. Mostly that's because we live so far apart from Noelle. Most of our relationship takes place through emails. But that is about to change, because Mal is going to visit Noelle in two weeks.

There is a lot of the same planning that would go on with any relative visiting another.  Like I'm sending suitcases of my girl's clothes for Noelle's other daughters. Ditto with foisting perfectly good toys that I am tired of picking up, disguised as charity. Noelle is asking me what kinds of things Mallory would like to do while visiting. Typical vacation planning.

But then there is the other part that is happening with all three of us in anticipation of the visit; the adoption. This is the first time that Mal and Noelle have had more than 24 hours of continuous time together. We have had many visits over the past 15 years. We've gotten together as families, Noelle has babysat, last summer Mal stayed a night at Noelle's parent's house while Noelle visited.

It was that visit that made it clear to me that they had to spend more time together, and they had to do it without me around. Both of them are much more reserved than I am. That's a nice way of saying I suck the air out of the room with constant talking, while they nod and giggle and wonder about a world where they can get a word in edgewise.

Mal is closer to 16 than 15 now. In two and a half years she will be legally considered an adult. She and Noelle need to start planting seeds to build a lifelong relationship without my orchestration.

I have to tell you there is trepidation on all our parts. I have that little pit in my stomach that says "oh my god, will she regret she was adopted?". Now if someone else said that I could be objective and logical and say adoptees are entitled to their feelings and of course regret is likely one of them.  There is room for both of us (Noelle and I), she doesn't have to choose. But the fact is that Mal is the only one who didn't get a choice. I chose adoption, Noelle chose adoption, but Mal didn't. I think it's likely that being with people who look like her, laugh like her and eat like her will be very enticing. I think it would be similar to me wishing my parents had never divorced. I know she will come back, after all we have cable and Noelle doesn't.

Noelle has the opposite fear. She is scared that Mal will be counting the days and thanking Buddha that she didn't grow up with her. I have to tell you as soon as Noelle told me they serve pop-tarts for breakfast, I knew that fear was unfounded. Noelle herself is an adoptee from a closed adoption. She reunited with her birth parents a little over a decade ago. That reunion has not always gone smoothly or been comfortable. So for her to worry that the same thing will happen with Mal isn't out of her experience. But I know it won't. For one thing I know both Mal and Noelle intimately and I know they are peas in a pod. Plus Noelle has worked so hard the last 15 years to continue to be a part of Mal's life.

Mal is scared of the thing most children are scared of, not living up to their parent's expectations. And like other adoptees, Mal has four parents to worry about. With adoptees, there is the compounded fear of rejection because of the adoption itself. She experienced a loss, and I know sometimes visits can bring up that loss. She is terribly well-adjusted, but she is a teenager and she is human. She wants to be accepted and loved. Again, I know how much Noelle loves her, but me reassuring her isn't the same as getting first hand experience with it again.

So there you have it, the next chapter in this lifelong story.

Comments

[baggage]

I can't wait to hear how it goes. I think this is a wonderful example of how an open adoption can work out.

[Round is Funny]

I'm crying, thinking about this. This, to me, seems like the point of open adoption - long-term relationships where no one feels threatened and everyone feels loved. And Pop Tarts for breakfast. I hope they have a great visit, and I hope it feels just as good for you and Bert.

[Leggy]

I'm sure it will be a great visit. Even if it does bring up certain "issues", they sound like issues you are all wise enough and capable enough to address head-on. Have a great time Mal!

[Her Grace]

I am often overwhelmed at what a thoughtful and sensitive mom you are, and posts like this highlight that. I hope that, during this vacation, you all find that your fears are unfounded.

[figlet]

I'm reading this with a knot in my stomach. I can sense everyone's anticipation. Amazing how something as mundane as a summer vacation visit can become laden with layers of complexity. But on the simplest level, it sounds lovely. And I hope Mal has a fabulous time. Poptarts for breakfast....fun!

[dawn]

Ahh, I so appreciate my role model taking all of these steps so I can benefit from her insight later on down the line! ;)

[Gawdess]

Wow.
You just put it all so well.

Thanks for this. It helps me as I try and figure out my own way down the open adoption path.

We are letting our kids spend a weekend with their birth grandma and that has been almost OVer thought out.

[Lisa V]

You are all too kind. I must sound more together than I am.

[noelle]

Dude, WE GOT CABLE!! Of course it was explained to me as a necessity so I could get rid of a dial up connection to the internet.

Each of us are excited to have Mal come out here. I wish we loved the area enough to want to show her things. On top of that, we are too cheap to pay 12 bucks to go see a dead president's house.

I look forward to talks on the deck and in my head they are brilliant where we all but figure out an end to the crisis in the middle east. In reality, we will stare at each other and smile and wish we could say the gajillion things we are thinking. I look at her and I look at the two girls I have and then I look at the three other kids you have and really I love each and every one of them. I see Mal in Dari-doo more so than in Ana Banana, but Ana Banana is so much like Aubree. I love seeing the different paths our journey takes us on.

[Lisa V]

Shit! You have cable? My edge is gone. I'm hosed. Make sure she goes to college.

Yeah, I think she and Dari will have a special bond. Mal will probably be the person she calls when she is in jail. Aubree will intiate Ana into the world of real princesses, drag queens, for her 21st birthday or something.

[Susie]

Delurking to say that Mallory (when did she stop being Apple? I missed an era of posts, I think!) is lucky to have you both (Lisa & Noelle), and I know you both feel lucky to have her and each other. (Did that even make sense?) We (your readers) are lucky to have all of you in our virtual world.

Cheers all around -- you guys are special people.