Vindauga

Singing

Mallory belongs to a protestant church choir. It's unusual for us, we're Catholic (even if only half-assed sometimes) and she claims to alternate between atheism ("I'm not an atheist, that's just another religion. I don't believe in god.There is a difference.") and being interested in Eastern religions. Mallory doesn't even typically see the beauty in ceremony and ritual I do. Also, she is a teenager. It seems to me that those years are the perfect years to question all institutions around you, particularly churches. I'm sure "question authority" was first put on a t-shirt by a 16 year-old. Maybe in sharpie, over an old church camp logo.

So anyway, this particular extra-curricular activity seems like a square peg in a round hole for her. But she loves to sing. She didn't like the school choir. We haven't found any teenage choirs anywhere else, so she stays. Her love of music trumps her distaste for organized religion.

Mallory on occasion will complain that the songs they are singing are "too Jesusy" and I mock her. Imagine that, singing about Christ in a church choir?. She rolls her eyes and knows she is being a curmudgeon. The personal faith or testimonies of other choir members at times make her uncomfortable. I understand this, because this kind of public expression of intimacy sometimes makes me squirm. I'm Catholic, all the prayers we say in church are written. I like that. Sometimes I'm just repeating a line and other times the line has meaning for me and I say it with inflection, but only I know the difference. 

At times Mallory's differences with this group make her think she won't join again. But then she goes on choir tour and performs a dozen concerts and is renewed with her "faith" in music. She listens to the harmonies and solos around her and knows why she is there. She has a really, really fabulous choir director. His love, enthusiasm and talent have taken this group of 30 kids and turned them into something magnificent. Mallory respects and admires him and sees how important his faith and music are to him. She loves it that about him.

Last night was their final stop on this year's choir tour and it was for us; the parents. It was breathtakingly beautiful. It made every Sunday morning, rousing a grumpy teenager out of bed at 7 a.m. worth it.  It made me forget every stupid fund-raising activity I bristled at doing. The Sunday dinner that's mostly dead because of choir practice now seems like a decent sacrifice.

If there is a god (and yes I'm ambivalent too), surely she can be found in the voices of ordinary teenagers who are made to sound like angels. To me there is no greater testimony of divinity, transforming the ordinary to the sacred with an every day act like singing.

Growing Up Before My Eyes

Mallory got a new haircut.

Learning to Fly

Today my 15 year-old daughter, Mally took her first tentative steps driving a car. Just like when she was 15 months old and walked independently for the first time, it thrilled me and broke my heart. She is getting more independent, yay! She is getting more independent, shit.

Like those first few steps that were unsteady and a little halting, so was her drive out of the high school parking lot. She stepped on the brake a little too vigorously, throwing both she and her driver ed's instructor forward. I could see her blush and laugh and then start up again. Kind of like when she used to wobble and fall, but then get up run away.

I sat in the parking lot after they left watching her drive down the street. A high school boy peeled out and roared passed her tentative venture. I cried. Who knew the journey between getting around and getting around would be so short?

I put my own car in gear and left the parking lot. Cranking up The Cure, I realized my journey from her place to mine had been pretty short too. Wasn't I just leaving my own high school parking lot yesterday, listening to The Cure?

FYI-for parents who use teenage babysitters

Apple babysat for five and a half hours last night. She was paid $15. For two active little boys. Boys who she entertains and has to think up games to get them to put on their pajamas or brush their teeth or get into bed. Boys who she reads up to 8 stories to. Boys who are not allowed to watch TV while she is there, ever. Boys who enjoy the homemade play-dough she makes and brings as a treat. Boys who have great big huge spiders as pets, and even though she is terrified of spiders, she will admire it and listen to the boys tell great stories while it crawls up their arms. Boys who think games of dogpile the babysitter are fun. This is my long way of saying she earns every dime she gets. So for her to be paid less than $3 an hour is a huge insult.

She has been babysitting for this family for over a year. They usually pay her $4 or so an hour. This is significantly less than anyone else she babysits for, normally she makes between $5 and $7 per hour, often for one child. She has never said "I charge X" because most people pay her fairly. She knows it's expensive to have a babysitter. She has babysat for free for some people because she knew they couldn't afford to pay her. Last night this couple went to one of the most expensive restaurants in town. Bert and I have been there once in the five years it has been open. You can't get out of there for less than $125. So maybe they were feeling broke, maybe they spent all their cash. But in shorting my child and essentially disrespecting her, they have lost their only babysitter. 

So my advice if you use babysitters is find out what is the going rate. A teenager may be too shy to tell you, so you may have to ask around.  I would say at least $5 an hour.  If you are short on cash a particular night, either write a check, or tell the babysitter you are short and will pay him/her tomorrow. Then do it, promptly, and with apology. If you think you owe this babysitter less because your child was sleeping, think about if you should be paid less on slow days at work. It doesn't make sense does it ? And lastly, be home when you say will. The past two times she has babysat for this family they have been 30 minutes to an hour late. Once on a school night. I'm sure it seems minor to them, but teenagers need sleep as much as babies. She needs to come and go to bed at a reasonable hour. Sleeping on a couch isn't as restful.

These aren't bad people. They are just clueless. I was clueless sometimes when I had sitters, but I learned. We could clue them in, but Apple doesn't want to babysit for them again. The kids are hard and the parents take advantage of her, she is done.

It's the little things

Apple is babysitting for some friends of ours. It's an annual big event for them, and they were excited that Apple said (and we agreed) that they could stay out really late. So she gets the kids to bed and is prepared to settle in for a long evening of movie viewing. Unfortunately, she can't get the TV to work. We try to talk her through it and offer her ideas, but nothing works. I can tell she is slightly freaked out (though she says otherwise) at spending several more hours in a too quiet house with sleeping children. She forgot to take a book. Bert grabs his keys, even though it's the last inning of a Tiger game (where they are kicking the Yankee's ass) and goes to help her figure it out. That's a good dad.