Vindauga

Father's Day at Our House

We hosted a cookout last night for all the men in our family that won't be with their children today. It was fun; good laughs, good food.Rory made cards for everyone.

Today it's been laid back. The kids made cards for Bert, we got him a claymation short that he loves, Harvey Krumpet. Tonight I'll make something he likes for dinner, and we might go see the The Happening, because we both love scary (though not bloody) and that film is getting good reviews.

We called all the long distance dads in our lives. Mason called R, his first/birth* father to wish him a Happy Father's Day. Bert and R finalized plans for Bert and Mason to visit R in Seattle and catch a baseball game. R bought the game tickets (who know that pro-baseball was so expensive) and we put the plane tickets on a credit card. We can't afford it, but it seems like a necessary splurge to both of us. Paying to deepen a relationship or offer an experience seems worth it to us. They will stay with R and Mason will get reacquainted with R's sisters and their family. All of his cousins are in high school or college, but they are all excited about seeing him again.

Mason is REALLY excited because he gets to fly on a plane. Bert's very happy to see a Tiger game. I'm most happy because I feel like this is one of those chances for Mason to feel at ease with both his fathers. I hope that R really does believe now that we want him as part of Mason's life. I also hope that he can see we will treat their relationship with honor and dignity. It hasn't always been easy for any of us. It feels like we are on the road to something good for everyone involved.

I think that while I've played with the importance of Mallory's relationship to Noelle over and over in my head, I still have work to do with Mason. This is likely true of most of the adoption community in my experience. Fathers seem to be forgotten and need to be talked about more. I don't just mean birth fathers either, but adoptive fathers. I don't see men's roles explored in the same way women's have. 

Another area to explore for me is what's different in terms of first family relationships when those first parents tried parenting and couldn't. How does that change open adoption?  I don't know. I really don't. But I know that it is something that needs to be examined.

However those are conversations for another day, or maybe even other people. Chime in, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

*We use mostly birth father at home, as does R. It's short hand to the relationship for most of society. I really prefer "first" for R, because he did parent Mason for a year, but I seem to be the only one to use it. No one else in our lives gets hung up over the terminology, except me.

Visit

Noelle is here visiting.  She, her husband and kids came over for dinner the other night. As always, it's delightful to see them. See how the kids have grown, exclaim over how smart and beautiful they've become. Catch up a little with Noelle, find out about her family, friends. A reunion of sorts. It's too short, it's not enough time, it's not frequent enough. But it's what we have. It's long distance life. It's become similar for us with my mom and Bert's family. It's modern life. Squeezing a year's worth of hugs and laughs into a single visit.

As I've said before, there is no textbook on how to navigate open adoption, few examples in our every day lives. Except as Mallory points out, on Lifetime television. There are times that I think we have it figured out and whipped and I gave us giant high fives and pats on the back. Then life steps in. Our schedules get crazier, more people are added or taken away, and there are more miles between us. 

Ultimately, Noelle and I both becoming mothers to more than Mallory has made the relationship shift. It had to, we both only have so many hands and so many hours in the day.

When we started out there were five of us, Mallory and her four parents. Then Bert and I added three kids. With each child brought into my family, the nurturing I gave to Mallory's first family became less detailed, less frequent. There were fewer notes, fewer pictures, visits became events instead of casual drop-ins. I still would call Noelle when Mallory did something that struck me particularly and carry on a conversation for an hour or two. Still, it's easy to get complacent and lazy and take it all for granted.

Noelle got married, then added two children and a move, and it became harder for her too. There are only so many hours in a day. She and Mallory email or text once in awhile. Mallory visited her last summer. But it's all shoved into the little breathing space that there is in a day with a family and a job and commuting. She does an amazing job of sending out photos that I never have. My kid's school pictures from last fall still sit in their envelopes. If we had a legally binding agreement about how often Noelle got pictures I would be in contempt of court.

Like all of life, it's not what I thought it would be. In some ways, it's so much more, but in others it's less. It's more than I ever dreamed it could be when Mallory was born. But when she was 2 and our lives were interlinked, I assumed it would always be that way. I was young and naive. I didn't know that lots of things we took for granted would be changed. I'm proud that we've both bobbed and weaved and figured out how to stay connected on some level.

 

I think if you look at what we have accomplished, it's amazing. I am eternally grateful that this kid knows, really knows that she is loved by all of us.  We are so lucky that we have built this foundation that lets all the grown-ups know they are respected and loved. But it still takes some attention, even after 17 years, to make sure these ties stay strong and viable. I really fail at that sometimes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is we haven't got it all figured out, and with each life change, we have to figure it out again. Especially these two. Aren't they beautiful? Two of my favorite people in the whole world.

I know a lot of times people think of us as a good example of open adoption. And that makes all of us proud. Really. But I also think it's important to point out that we still fumble, we aren't perfect, and it's an ebb and flow like everything else in life. 

A post in which I lecture you through no fault of your own.

I should probably start a category about the things people innocently say about adoption, that no matter how innocent, are offensive.

A couple of years ago, when Mallory was a new teenager, she commonly got lectures about other people's mistakes. A kid wrecked a car while texting and driving? Mallory was threatened that we would take her license away. A movie about college binge drinking? Mallory would be warned extensively about roofies, drunk driving, wasting her college money and ending up a homeless person. Once in awhile we'd ground her just for good measure. Maybe we'd threaten to take away her phone.

So that's what I'm doing to you now, lecturing you for the the words of another.

I read a post about one those lovely phrases a day or two ago. The general gist is to suggest adoption as a means of getting pregnant. As in "Adopt; then you'll get pregnant. That's what happened to my best friend, cousin, sister's transsexual hairdresser." Yes, I know there are probably a lot of you that can raise your hand because you know of a person just like this. Maybe that person is even me.

Yes, we adopted, then I gave birth. However, these two acts are not connected in any way, shape or form. The cure for my infertility was not adoption, but surgery. I had surgery and corrected the problems with my wonky uterus and gave birth.

But still, I am one of those anecdotal cases people use to confirm their belief that there is a cause and effect between adoption and overcoming infertility. If you want to look at empirical evidence, roughly 8% of adoptive parents go on to have a biological child. About the same as those who decide to throw in the towel and not have children. Some have no clue why, others like us hear of new treatments that ultimately work.

So, hopefully I've dispelled this notion that adoption is great infertility treatment. Now think about all the ways this is offensive.

Foremost, it's really offensive to an adoptee. People who suggest this method often discount the fact that you are advising someone to raise a child just to get another one. The adopted child is the consolation prize in the hopes of winning the lottery of an actual, real-live, biological child. Or as some would say "your own." (I don't have to lecture you on "your own" do I? Mallory and Mason are every bit my own children, regardless how they entered my life.)

It once again plays into this perception that adoptees are second best. That just hurts my heart to think any child would inherently consider himself lesser just because of how he entered a family.

Think how a first mother would feel, to have the idea her child was only used as the means to an end.

And finally, that infertile person who may or may not choose to adopt at some point, really doesn't need this kind of encouragement. You are implying that they have control of their infertility. That it's their fault. They just need to "relax." I guarantee you we all started out relaxed, and we didn't end up pregnant. Have some compassion. If they tell you about their struggles, all they truly need is a little support in the form of an "I'm sorry" or "I'm thinking of you or "this is hard, how are you feeling?"

There are so many real issues to talk about in both adoption and infertility. Don't waste your time repeating myths and perpetuating stereotypes. I don't want to have to take your car keys.

Post Birthday

We met R, Mason's first father and everything turned out fine. Ditto on the birthday party with bunches of kids.

Thanks for all the advice about the goodie bags. We ended up giving each kid a miniature playdough, a horn to toot and annoy their parents, and a bottle of bubbles. We did 30 of them and it cost me $45, bags included. We had 21 guests and had enough treat bags to share with siblings who tagged along to swim. Mason had a blast, the guests seemed to, and I came home to a quiet, calm house. Yay!

We met with R yesterday. We went over to Mason's grandmother's (R's mom) and had lunch and cake. Mason's great-grandma joined us, giving us the only opportunity of a 4 generation photo of Mason's family. After lunch, Bert and I left Mason there to play for a few hours. It gave Mason and R a chance to get acquainted and play with all Mason's new birthday loot. It went really well. I think we alleviated most of R's wariness about us. I really think he thought we would be critical, or act like he didn't deserve to see Mason because of a past mistake. When I hugged him and told him to visit more often, I sincerely meant it. I am still cautious about him, and will go into all visits with my eyes open, but I felt reassured. I think this was likely a turning point for all of us.

I'm so glad we didn't let our little bits of hesitancy lead us to a different decision. This was important and good for R, for us, and mostly for Mason. As a child of divorce I know what it feels like to be "torn" between two families. I hate that. And I will do everything in my power so that my children feel free to love all their family members without worrying about feeling guilt or judgment from another. 

We aren't saints. We sometimes get wrapped up in bullshit. But I think big picture, we somehow manage to think of what is important to our kids first. Or what may be important in the future. And I'm convinced that what will be important in the future will be shaped by their past, their history, and I want to give them every chance to explore that.

A Visitor

I got word last night that Mace's first father is coming to town this weekend for Mace's 6th birthday. This will be the first time we've seen him in three years.

I actually think I somehow cosmically conjured this visit. Mace stayed with his grandmother last week. After he came home, he was quietly playing with cars while I washed dishes. He sang little songs, made comments to himself. I wondered if he had done this at his grandmother's. Did he remind her of his first father? Was this something R had done? Were they similar little boys ? I made a conscious note to mention to her that I thought it would be natural for her to talk about stuff like this with him.

I know his grandparents error on the side of being too cautious when mentioning adoption. They don't want to confuse him. They don't want to offend us. They truly don't get how comfortable we are with his first parents. They are older, adoption was different. Our issues are more complicated because of mistakes his first parents made. Some of those mistakes had the potential to cause harm to Mace both physically and emotionally. In part, that's why we are now his parents.

Mace understands he has a first father, but it's really basic. He doesn't see him. I don't know if he will remember him. I have honestly wished recently that R were around once in awhile so Mace could get to know him and better understand his relationship to him.

See? I conjured him.

When R agreed to let us raise Mace, part of that agreement was that he got to see Mace without our supervision.  Then we found out on a visit he had made some poor decisions that affected Mace's safety.  He had two more visits after that, but was with either Mace's first mother or his own parents. We never had to confront him about that poor choice, because Mace was with people we trusted. Then he quit visiting.

I have to say, I'm excited, but apprehensive about this visit. More excited really. But I haven't thought through how we are going to handle it if R asks to take Mace alone. I think Mace would likely be safe. But I wonder if he would be scared or uncomfortable. I sincerely don't know that he remembers him. Plus, it's his birthday, I would like to spend some of his birthday with him.

I think we are just going to have set eyes on R and figure out the situation. I think it will likely be a seat of our pants, gut decision. I'm trying to work out all the contingencies in my head.

The other complication? I haven't told Mace. I'm scared R won't show and I don't want to get him excited and have him disappointed on his birthday.

Like I said, excited, but apprehensive.