Vindauga

What No One Told Me About Adoption

I'm posting this as part of an adoption carnival from Grown in My Heart.

1) That one day I would love my child's first mom as much as a sister.

2) That nearly eighteen years later my child would miss her first mother with an intensity that sometimes makes her cry.

3) My daughter missing and loving her first mom does not negate her love for me or her dad.

4) Getting over my own feelings of possessiveness and entitlement were both harder and easier than I ever imagined.

5) That those feelings might actually be a problem, after all wasn't I the "real" mom?

6) That general public still would reinforce the same adoption mythology I bought into 20 years ago.

7) That recognizing and validating and sharing motherhood with another woman is a lot easier than I thought it would be.

8) That I'd still have to defend "open" adoption to people who know nothing about it, and they'd say I was wrong. I've been doing it for a long, long time people. It works.

9) That adoption in general is far from perfect, and even with every change we can think of, it will never be perfect.

10) That it's taught me to be a better parent, friend, daughter and person.

Passages

Today we had Mallory's senior portraits taken. It was a wonderful session. Three outdoor locations, two studio sessions, five outfits. Way more than the wicker chair and drape of my high school days. Way more money too.

I had put aside a little cash here and there to pay for it. Then the car died. The a/c broke. The dog died, not without spending some dough for her final days either. So we really couldn't afford to have the nice senior pictures. We should've just had a portrait done at the mall. Mallory would've understood. She's thrifty. Actually she's miserly.

But I couldn't cancel the session. We've been planning it for months, we did a ton of research. So we're all eating pancakes and tofu chili dogs for a couple of months. If you aren't my progeny, you're getting a picture of Mallory for Christmas.

The photographer was wonderful and spent three hours working with her.  I can't wait to see the shots. I texted Noelle during the middle of it and sent her some pictures. Another milestone towards adulthood. I was verklempt. Noelle was too. It seemed wrong that she wasn't there to squeeze my hand at the times Mal was so beautiful it took my breath away. Mal really reminded me of Noelle when we first met. Noelle was just a little older than Mallory is now. It hardly seems possible we've come this far.

Today's experience and Vidalia's comment on the last post made me think about some perspective on the "end" of our whole open adoption experience. Obviously these relationships will be life long, but if you had to put an end date, a date to look back, it seems like the next year is the logical place. Mallory is nearly 18. She'll graduate high school. She'll leave home.

I would love it if the three of us could sit down and write something about what this journey has been to us, both good and bad. I'll talk to Noelle and Mallory about it, in real life people have told us for years that we need to tell our story. I feel like I've done a lot of that through this blog, but it's been mostly my voice.

I'd like a forum for all of us to have more equal footing. I'm tossing some ideas around in my head.

We'll keep you posted.

Just Right

Mallory visited Noelle this summer and had a great visit. She asked if she could go back for Christmas break, and everyone checked schedules and said yes.

She is paying for her own ticket, so price is a consideration. I've been monitoring fares for the last couple of weeks and have gagged at how expensive flying can be. Today, I changed some dates around and realized she could fly much cheaper on Christmas day. We originally had her going on the 26th but that cost $100 more.

However, on Christmas, all I could find were long flights that basically denied her Christmas with anyone but flight attendants. It really bothered me.

I just checked another airline and found a late morning flight that gets to Noelle's at 5:00. Please, please let the weather cooperate.

It's perfect. She gets Christmas morning with us, and Christmas dinner with Noelle. It seems like the way it should be, don't you think?

A post in which I lecture you through no fault of your own.

I should probably start a category about the things people innocently say about adoption, that no matter how innocent, are offensive.

A couple of years ago, when Mallory was a new teenager, she commonly got lectures about other people's mistakes. A kid wrecked a car while texting and driving? Mallory was threatened that we would take her license away. A movie about college binge drinking? Mallory would be warned extensively about roofies, drunk driving, wasting her college money and ending up a homeless person. Once in awhile we'd ground her just for good measure. Maybe we'd threaten to take away her phone.

So that's what I'm doing to you now, lecturing you for the the words of another.

I read a post about one those lovely phrases a day or two ago. The general gist is to suggest adoption as a means of getting pregnant. As in "Adopt; then you'll get pregnant. That's what happened to my best friend, cousin, sister's transsexual hairdresser." Yes, I know there are probably a lot of you that can raise your hand because you know of a person just like this. Maybe that person is even me.

Yes, we adopted, then I gave birth. However, these two acts are not connected in any way, shape or form. The cure for my infertility was not adoption, but surgery. I had surgery and corrected the problems with my wonky uterus and gave birth.

But still, I am one of those anecdotal cases people use to confirm their belief that there is a cause and effect between adoption and overcoming infertility. If you want to look at empirical evidence, roughly 8% of adoptive parents go on to have a biological child. About the same as those who decide to throw in the towel and not have children. Some have no clue why, others like us hear of new treatments that ultimately work.

So, hopefully I've dispelled this notion that adoption is great infertility treatment. Now think about all the ways this is offensive.

Foremost, it's really offensive to an adoptee. People who suggest this method often discount the fact that you are advising someone to raise a child just to get another one. The adopted child is the consolation prize in the hopes of winning the lottery of an actual, real-live, biological child. Or as some would say "your own." (I don't have to lecture you on "your own" do I? Mallory and Mason are every bit my own children, regardless how they entered my life.)

It once again plays into this perception that adoptees are second best. That just hurts my heart to think any child would inherently consider himself lesser just because of how he entered a family.

Think how a first mother would feel, to have the idea her child was only used as the means to an end.

And finally, that infertile person who may or may not choose to adopt at some point, really doesn't need this kind of encouragement. You are implying that they have control of their infertility. That it's their fault. They just need to "relax." I guarantee you we all started out relaxed, and we didn't end up pregnant. Have some compassion. If they tell you about their struggles, all they truly need is a little support in the form of an "I'm sorry" or "I'm thinking of you or "this is hard, how are you feeling?"

There are so many real issues to talk about in both adoption and infertility. Don't waste your time repeating myths and perpetuating stereotypes. I don't want to have to take your car keys.

Juno

We saw Juno today.  Spoiler Alert! I will write about the ending in this post.

First, as a film, I think it's quirky and different and has a small film feel like Napoleon Dynamite. The dialog seems forced, no better example than Rainn Wilson's cameo as a convenience store clerk. I just wanted one of my favorite actors to shut up. Yes, it's clever, too clever though to be any kind of believable. It almost turns the characters into caricatures. Juno and her best friend use so much slang and teen speak that the three teens who were with me noticed it and commented on how unnatural it seemed.

If you are involved in the adoption world, you should know that this is totally pro-adoption. There is only a brief nod to considering Juno as a valid parent in an interaction between Juno's step-mom and an ultrasound technician. The film operates on the basic societal assumption that a teenager shouldn't even consider being a mother.

I have to tell you that I cried from the moment that she told her parents she was pregnant to the end of the movie. When she first meets the prospective adoptive parents and drives through their beige subdivision and gets a glimpse into their uptight life I wanted to scream "don't give your baby to these people!". 

Juno immediately tells them she wants an "old school" closed adoption and never wavers from that idea even as she befriends the potential adoptive father. You could see the relief from the potential adoptive parents. The first meeting isn't as much of a get to know you, as "sign the paperwork". It bothered me.

It portrayed all the downside of a private adoption, no counseling for anyone, let alone the expectant mom. It portrayed the heavy emotional investment by the potential adoptive parents months before the baby is born. They laid all their dreams on the already heavily burdened shoulders of a 16 year old. I know it's only a movie, but it seemed like adoption was cut and dried and on some level, easy. I think what bothered me the most is that most people outside of adoption wouldn't see any thing wrong with that meeting.

In the end Juno does place the baby. Yes, there are some surprises that I won't reveal, but she places. The pain of relinquishing this child is downplayed. Both she and the baby's father choose not to see or hold the baby, explaining that he never felt like their's. Every old school adoptive parent's dream, huh? Beautiful baby, martyr birth parents who go on with their regular high school life without a blip.

Bert thought this was a walking advertisement why private adoption should be illegal. The "birth" father was treated like a sperm donor with no real say so. The implication was that it was not only all settled, but there was nothing to settle. He had no voice. The first meeting between Juno and her dad and the prospective adoptive parents bothers him. They were so completely inexperienced and of a different class and had no clue to the intricacies of adoption and there was no one there representing them.

Mallory liked it more than Bert and I. She was seeing from the view of a teenager who wants nothing to do with a baby. She is a content adoptee. Placing the baby seemed right to her. While she is happy with her own open adoption she can understand why Juno may want a closed one. She said the average 16 year old without knowledge of how adoption works would thinks it would be less painful to be in a closed adoption. She has no desire to parent and thinks that obviously the adoptive mother was the one who should, because she wanted to. She thinks Juno made the right decision.

I have no idea if this particular character made the right decision, but my heart hurt knowing the environment that decision was made in. There is more to adoption than this "old school" film invites it's viewer to ponder. I wish we were given more to chew on and contemplate.

I really wanted to like this film, and for awhile today I thought I did. However, the more I think about it, I think the reinforcement of adoption stereotypes far outweigh the good things the film has. This film is does a lot more harm than good. It doesn't further the discussion, it's just a rewind of an old discussion.