A post in which I lecture you through no fault of your own.

I should probably start a category about the things people innocently say about adoption, that no matter how innocent, are offensive.

A couple of years ago, when Mallory was a new teenager, she commonly got lectures about other people's mistakes. A kid wrecked a car while texting and driving? Mallory was threatened that we would take her license away. A movie about college binge drinking? Mallory would be warned extensively about roofies, drunk driving, wasting her college money and ending up a homeless person. Once in awhile we'd ground her just for good measure. Maybe we'd threaten to take away her phone.

So that's what I'm doing to you now, lecturing you for the the words of another.

I read a post about one those lovely phrases a day or two ago. The general gist is to suggest adoption as a means of getting pregnant. As in "Adopt; then you'll get pregnant. That's what happened to my best friend, cousin, sister's transsexual hairdresser." Yes, I know there are probably a lot of you that can raise your hand because you know of a person just like this. Maybe that person is even me.

Yes, we adopted, then I gave birth. However, these two acts are not connected in any way, shape or form. The cure for my infertility was not adoption, but surgery. I had surgery and corrected the problems with my wonky uterus and gave birth.

But still, I am one of those anecdotal cases people use to confirm their belief that there is a cause and effect between adoption and overcoming infertility. If you want to look at empirical evidence, roughly 8% of adoptive parents go on to have a biological child. About the same as those who decide to throw in the towel and not have children. Some have no clue why, others like us hear of new treatments that ultimately work.

So, hopefully I've dispelled this notion that adoption is great infertility treatment. Now think about all the ways this is offensive.

Foremost, it's really offensive to an adoptee. People who suggest this method often discount the fact that you are advising someone to raise a child just to get another one. The adopted child is the consolation prize in the hopes of winning the lottery of an actual, real-live, biological child. Or as some would say "your own." (I don't have to lecture you on "your own" do I? Mallory and Mason are every bit my own children, regardless how they entered my life.)

It once again plays into this perception that adoptees are second best. That just hurts my heart to think any child would inherently consider himself lesser just because of how he entered a family.

Think how a first mother would feel, to have the idea her child was only used as the means to an end.

And finally, that infertile person who may or may not choose to adopt at some point, really doesn't need this kind of encouragement. You are implying that they have control of their infertility. That it's their fault. They just need to "relax." I guarantee you we all started out relaxed, and we didn't end up pregnant. Have some compassion. If they tell you about their struggles, all they truly need is a little support in the form of an "I'm sorry" or "I'm thinking of you or "this is hard, how are you feeling?"

There are so many real issues to talk about in both adoption and infertility. Don't waste your time repeating myths and perpetuating stereotypes. I don't want to have to take your car keys.

Comments

[gawdess]

whew,that is still going on?
craziness.
good lecture.

[merseydotes]

You are a voice of authority (as usual), Lisa V. Thank you for using your powers for good.

My ex-therapist once was talking through my options (I'm not technically diagnosed as infertile yet though we've been trying for another kid for nearly two years and a diagnosis may come in the next couple months) and actually said once 'Well, worst case - even though it wouldn't be really bad - is you adopt. Right?' Amazing, that at fiftyish, she still thinks there are good and bad ways for children to come to parents.

And then there is my beautiful daughter Petunia, who is all of four and a half, who comes homes and regularly tells me how her preschool friend's first mother died ('she really died, Mama') in China and then Elly got the mother she has now. And then we talk about other kids we know who had first mothers and how I'm Petunia's first and only mother and families come together in all sorts of ways. It makes my heart feel good that future generations may outgrow the kinds of assumptions you're talking about.

[Misty]

AMEN! I really don't like how people ask me, "So, when are you going to try for your OWN children?" As if genetics is the only real test of what is MINE. Wow, I guess my husband isn't REALLY mine because he's not genetically similar. (But, I'm glad he's not genetically similar...hehe).

[jo(e)]

I always read these posts carefully. I'm grateful for them. You bring up stuff that I haven't had an opportunity to think about much before.

[Lilian]

I agree with jo(e), and she should read Dawn for the same reason (but maybe she does).

[themeatically fickle]

Most excellent lecture.
As an adoptive parent, I always like these questions:

*How much did she cost?
*What if her mother wants her back?
*Do you know anything about her mother/father?
*Weren't you afraid of not knowing what you'd get? (In reference to genetics...as if there are guarantees with a child we have through birth.)

And my two all time favorites:
*Was she a crack baby?
*Did she have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

[kerry]

I'm bookmarking all of your adoption posts, they are awesome- and this one especially because I've heard them all. Someone actually had the nerve to ask me why I wasn't going to 'have my own' and stated,'don't worry, you'll probably get pregnant in 6 months', after I showed a picture of our baby. *sigh*