My daughter visits her mother

This summer my daughter Mally visited her first mom on vacation. While we have had numerous visits, they have always included other family. Since Noelle moved to the South, visits are less frequent. We miss her. This summer seemed like the perfect time for Mal and Noelle to explore their relationship without our input. Cyntihia asked how it went. This is Mal's answer and tomorrow I will post Noelle's.

I'm going to be honest. At first I was terrified to go out to my  birthmother, Noelle's house. As a child I had always had those "what if " thoughts, and I think most adoptee's do. What if she had kept me? The only thing about that was, I looked up to birthmother as an idol, and didn't really see our relationship as mother-daughter. So going out to spend a week with her put in the realistic side of mother. I was scared that would change my relationship with both sides of my family. Would I be able to go home and call Lisa mom again, or would Noelle become the mother of my heart?

I got out there with her and didn't once worry about a sudden displacement of family or familiarity. I wasn't suddenly at home or anything, and it wasn't an all of a sudden mother-daughter relationship. I did see her in a different light, however it wasn't like I had missed out on a piece of my life I should have had. Instead I got to see how Noelle's life turned out, and how much better the adoption was on both of us. That "what-if" went away. I was able to realize just how great the importance of this adoption was.

Seeing how my birthmother parented her children and lived her life was amazing for me. Not because it could have been my life though. Had my birthmother chosen to keep me there is no way she could have had the life she has now. She is happy, has gorgeous kids, and a great life. I know now that if she had made the decision to keep me, all the opportunities that have since opened up for her would not be there. She would not have as great of a life as she has today, and neither would I.

Being given the option to go out and be with Noelle was the best thing in my life. I don't think I could have come to the same understanding if I had done this at a younger age, partly because I am extremely shy, and also because I wasn’t very active in the open adoption panels and such that I have started to take part in. At thirteen, emailing Noelle felt scary to me at first, so I definitely don't know if I could have handled an out of state, weeklong visit. But it was so good for me now.

I don't know that our relationship has changed that much. I feel more connected to her, that’s for sure, and it’s a good thing. Up until that trip the vast majority of our relationship was arranged through my mother, and now I feel like we have more of the connection now. It doesn't have to be set up through someone else. I think we are both shy (I know for sure I am), and that makes it hard to ask big questions, and say "I need/ want to come out and be with you", but now I'm more capable of doing that. There wasn't really any negativity attached to the trip, or our relationship, and there still isn't. All in all, I think it was necessary, and I'm really glad I was able to go.

Comments

[mrs b]

So good to hear your story, and to know adoption worked out well for both of you

mrs b
http://www.baby-adoption.co.uk

[noelle]

Damn, I love that kid!!

[yankee,transferred]

Mal, you are so grounded, so mature, so expressive, so WONDERFUL! Both Noelle and Mom must be incredibly proud. I'm proud, and hell-I don't even know you! Blessings on your beautiful head, my dear.

[Susan]

This was so moving. Thanks to Mal for sharing it and being so open and thoughtful.

[Mrs. G.]

Uh, could you hand me a tissue? What an articulate, sweet kid.

[AmericanFamily]

Oy. Mal, you brought tears to my eyes. I can only hope my daughter will be so articulate and brave at such a young age. Thanks!

[cynthia]

Thanks a lot, Mal-
Its really helpful for me to hear all of that- the fears and the reality- and yeah, you rock. Both of your mothers are supremely lucky and (also) clearly awesome in their own respect. You guys have one cool family.

[Her Grace]

Well said, Mal. Well said.

[Round is Funny]

I'm just a teary mess right now. I hope my own son will be so lucky.

[figlet]

What an amazing post. And it nicely articulates the simplicity/complexity paradox that's inherent in adoption. Wow.

[Heather.PNR]

Mal, you rock. I hope my son is your age he can be as insightful and bravely honest as you were here. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[ppb]

Lisa always blows me away with the way in which she cuts to the center of situations involving people. And clearly, Mal has inherited this gift, too.

[Libby]

Mal, you are wicked smart, and cool. Thanks for writing.

[Lilian]

Mal, you're amazingly articulate and I'm delighted to hear that this trip was so positive! The parts that I were very "enlightening" to me: when you wrote that you "didn't once worry about a sudden displacement of family or familiarity" and when you said that the "what-if" went away and how you realized the importance of the adoption in your own and Noelle's life. Wow.

And again I feel thankful because of internet and blogs and that I can learn so much, particularly about adoption. Thanks for sharing Mal's take on her trip, Lisa. I'm glad Cynthia asked! :)