Just Like Me

From the time Mally was small she viewed the concept of adoption through her own open adoption. At first, she took it pretty far, assuming all adoptees were the children of her first/birth mother, Noelle. Then when I explained that everyone had different first parents, she thought everyone "knew" their first families. I didn't realize this. We had lots of acquaintances through an adoptive families group, my friend Rosie adopted her daughter in China. Mal had lots of exposure to other adoptees. I never differentiated to her between different methods of adoption. I figured she understood.

In second grade, she had a classmate who had been adopted in South America as an infant. One day Mal asked Maria about her birth mother. Maria said she was beautiful but didn't remember her or know much about her. Mal was stunned. Riding home in the car that day she said  with sadness and a little horror "Can you imagine not knowing whose tummy you grew in?"

It was then I explained the difference between an open adoption and a closed. It was so different from her life, she spent several days randomly bringing up different adoptees and asking if they knew their first family. When the answer was no for most of them, she suddenly understood why I spent so much time explaining open adoption to people. In later years, she would be offering those explanations herself. Sometimes it was formally when she was on panels, and other times casually in conversations with people. She didn't really mind it, but on occasion was exasperated that the misconceptions were so widespread. She was never with anyone who immediately "got" her family tree.

The second day of school this year she sat next to a girl in English class. The girl told her she had "two moms and a dad." Mal assumed the girl had a step-mother or that the girl's mother was a lesbian. When the girl then went on to explain she was in an open adoption and had a great relationship with her birth mom, Mal reacted with "shut up, no way, that's so cool, me too." She told everyone about her new "twin" and predicted a long friendship.

They talked in class and did a few things out of school. Mal was excited to have a soul mate friend who understood the ins and outs of adoption. Their lives were normal to each other, not an After School Special. Neither one of them had to explain who their "real mother" was.

Then the girl asked Mal to go to a Rob Zombie concert. The twinship, pretty much over. It turns out adoption doesn't overcome bad musical taste.Slowly, Mal discovered all sorts of areas where she and her "twin" diverged. Open adoption is one of the few things they have in common. But Mal is glad to have forged this friendship still. We all need people who understand us, on lots of levels. I think for an adoptee used to being an outsider, having an insider is pretty important.

Comments

[Songbird]

I think that's all us adoptees, on some level. Glad she had this experience.

[Jenna]

This was a beautiful post (linked in from Dawn). My daughter recently had a conversation with her cousin (also adopted but from Russia). Her Mom shared it with me the other evening and I keep meaning to blog about it but a) my mind has been 20965097 other places and b) I'm just kind of beautifully stunned by it.

[jo(e)]

I've learned so much about adoption from reading your blog.