End of the visit

Today Mal comes home from visiting her first/birth mother Noelle. She has been there since last Wednesday. I'm dying to know everything that went on. Actually what I really want to know is how everyone felt. And because of my place in this relationship, I don't know if I ever really will. See, even though I know they need this relationship that doesn't involve me, I still want to be a part of it. And I probably need to get over that.

Mal sometimes has a hard time discussing her feelings. You sometimes have to pry them out of her, even when she obviously needs to unload about something. I don't that she could even admit to herself, let alone me, that she really loved being with Noelle. That she was able to live out the adoptee fantasy of knowing what it was like to be a real part of her first family. If there is a part of her that wishes she wasn't adopted, I don't think she would ever tell me. Even if I told her I thought it would be natural and normal. She loves me, she wouldn't want to do anything that she thinks might hurt me. Maybe I'm being Pollyannaish, maybe hearing those words would really shake me. Imaging them doesn't, but having them confirmed might.

Of course, I have all these same thoughts about Noelle. We are always pretty honest with each other. We've talked about regret before pretty openly with each other. Noelle is in a pretty good place about this adoption emotionally (and I say this knowing that she too could be masking her true feelings because she loves me, and because I am parenting her child and control her access to her). Because of the circumstances of her life and our life and Mal's birth/first father's life, she feels adoption was the right thing. Still.  Or did. I honestly don't know if after this visit, that will change. I think we are strong enough to share that regret, if it's now there. But again, this is all conjecture.

I've talked to Mal on the phone a few times and she has loved being there and enjoyed Noelle's family. Noelle's 5 year-old A, has been worshiping her "half-ways sister" and introducing her to everyone she meets. From the the stories Mal and Noelle have told me it's very similar to when Mal was little and worshiped Noelle.

Noelle and I have emailed back and forth during this visit, kind of this conspiracy of mothers, talking about how Mal is handling everything.  I hope at some point, Mal stopped feeling like a guest and started feeling like family. To everyone. I hope there were some good conversations and strong foundations laid for future visits.

Comments

[Songbird]

I hope it's been a good visit and is also a good homecoming, the best of both worlds.

[dawn]

Thank you so much for sharing all of this! (Move to Ohio!)

[carosgram]

I am glad you are so open about sharing your feelings. It helps me understand open adoptions which have always been a mystery to me.

[figlet]

Yup - great post. So much to chew on. Says I who have rewritten this half a dozen times.

[noelle]

The visit really was amazing. The hardest part is knowing that had things been different and I was able to be have been Mal's mom, I wouldn't be where I am today. I look around and it wouldn't be everything I have today with the added bonus of this cool 15 year old too. In many ways, I would have the cool 15 year old instead of the things I have today, namely being these other two kids that I am now in a position to play the role of mommy to. So even sitting on the couch talking to her late into the night about the kids at school, the pangs of regret and heartache over the decision made so many years ago, they are short lived because each of us have gone on to have really good lives, because of/in spite of this experience. I loved how she would start stories with 'my mom....' and that at least I had a hand in picking out her mom that she adores. This mom that gets a bad rap when she is sick and makes her child ride a bike to the grocery store for orange gatorade and then tell her it was the wrong size, oh yeah, and it was uphill and snowing both directions. She did make sure to get Baby Got Back from our music collection, just for you!!

This was really, really great. You have done such a wonderful job with this perfect little person. She was even gracious enough to send me a text message that said she 'missed us already' at like 9:00 last night.

[yankee,transferred]

Gigi spent a couple of weeks with her firstmother this summer.
It was a wonderful experience for both of them. And for us to see.
Blessings on all of you in the adoption triangle.

[libby]

You and Noelle are both making me choke up. Thank you for being a lovely example of reasonable workable open adoption. Like Yankee said, blessings on all of you.

[erinthebeekeeper]

this is awesome

[Nadine]

Hi Lisa, I came over from Wednesday Whining. I am so happy to have found your blog. I am considering starting the adoption process (although I haven't gone public with that yet), and I can't wait to read through your archives on the subject. So if you see me lurking, that's why!

Nice to "meet" you!