Adoption and Family and the Internet, Oh My

I have a zillion posts in my head. And I have been having a hard time getting them to gel so they feel coherent. *Every Sunday I have breakfast with my father, sister, aunts and uncles. That is actually a post for a different day. It's a cool tradition and I am proud of it. But the reason I mention it now is because I downed 3 cups of coffee very rapidly and have felt jittery all day. My brain feels like it is jumping around just as much as my heart. *Another post that I need to process, Scruffy's first mom has moved back to town. We have seen her a few times and all so far is comfortable and fine. She was with Scruffy for the day yesterday. They both seemed to have a good time. So we all have to wrap our minds about what a kinship adoption truly means. How do we work this out so the adult's feelings are not paramount, but the child's. Also the naming; we have always referred to both my children's birth parents as birth parents. I know it is offensive to some birth/first/natural/life mothers, I am not trying to be disrespectful. However my children and their birth parents are comfortable with the term. But Scruffy's mom was parenting him for his first year of life. To me "first mom" is really the simplest way to explain the situation to Scruffy. I literally was talking to him last week and said "J was your first mommy, your birth mom." And then I thought how stupid. So Bert and I started using first mom and he got the gist of it. I know to many people outside the adoption community, okay and quite a few in it, this is all semantics. It's lady,girl, woman, womyn kind of debate. But to many people it's very important. I honestly have no problem with any prefix a mother chooses to use. It should be what makes her comfortable. Insert father anywhere in this paragraph and I pretty much feel the same way. *There have been a few little dust-ups in various infertility/adoption circles the past few days. Now all seems to be resolved and everyone seems to be both recognizing similarities and celebrating differences. Compassion and grace seem to be the rule of the day. This is one of those times that I think blogs are so damn amazing and productive. Truly. I think that sharing our stories would just not be possible because you would rarely would find us traveling in the same real life circles. This is the thing I think we can bring about great change. The first place to start is in people's hearts and minds and the internet is great for that. After that I think we may have to take to the streets and work in real life towards change. That makes me jittery even without coffee. I really believe my children are the products of peaceful adoptions because of all those going before and sharing their stories. Mostly birth moms and adoptees who suffered (and continue to suffer) unhappy, painful, exploitive adoptions. You girls/women were the seeds to start the change, and you are doing a good job staying in the fight. However, I think adoptive parents, especially those of us who have a voice have to stand with you. And have to fight for you and our children. I really think together we are stronger. Wonderful kim.kim called me and some other adoptive moms on not standing up for birth/first moms today. She was right. I was like a dead armadillo laying in the middle of the road. I'm proud of the growth that I see in all sides of this debate. We all want to be recognized as mothers, we all want what is best for our children, but sometimes we forget how to do that. Thanks to two beautiful moms today I remembered.

Comments

[Dawn]

:)

[peripateticpolarbear]

seems like you have it all down....now when are you writing that book on adoption? For real. When are you?

[Lisa V]

I will leave that to Ms. Dawn.

[kim.kim]

Thank you, how lovely. We totally absolutely need you, it can't go forward and get better without you.
Thank you.

[Karen]

I agree, this was lovely.

And something that I have been thinking about as well--the feeling I have that firstmoms and amoms are so much more alike in many of their emotions than we first think.

And the idea that we need to find a way to dialogue and involve more people.

Thank you for this.

[Margie]

Thanks, Lisa, this is so true.

But here's what I'm struggling with now, especially after putting my foot in it over the weekend.

When does standing for become speaking for? God knows I've presumed to speak for adoptees, have been called on it.

And I don't want to make that mistake speaking for first moms either.

[Lisa V]

I think that's a good question, Margie.

[speakingformyself]

Hey Margie, after reading your blog, I'm one birth/natural mom who is completely comfortable with you speaking for me when I'm not around to do so "myself."

Seriously, I think we're still at a point with reform where (as somebody else said on another blog) one adoptive parent's voice has more pull than a hundred birthparent's voices. Unfortunate, but still true.

It's important that we all continue to speak, nonetheless.

[Mary]

Hey Margie, I'm writing about my life how I was Adopt Keep up the good work http://adoptionandtherisks.blogspot.com/