Who Is Your Great-Granddaddy?

We spent a good portion of our trip catching up with family members. There was my grandmother's service, and a breakfast with members of my father's paternal family. We also attended a barn dance with my father's maternal family. Once we were there I actually ran into some of my mom's family. So you can imagine that this was a weekend where much of the time was spent talking about people I barely remember or didn't know at all. However I find it fascinating, because I have these ties and it is interesting to explore them.

All the stories, places and people fascinated Daughter #2. My great-great grandmother's house not only stands but my family has set it up as a private museum of sorts. We walked around in it, I told the kids of things I remembered when my great aunt was alive and I visited. Her son kept guinea pigs in the kitchen when I was a child. The kitchen cupboards were built out of knotty pine by my grandfather. It's a small house that was home for three generations. Daughter #2 lingered in all the rooms, reading little signs about particular artifacts and noticing books. She ran her hands along furniture imaging people generations before her sitting in it.

Daughter #1 walked around silently, taking more notice of the lilies in the yard. She has been through the house a couple of times before and shown more interest. I didn't know if her boredom was just teenage distance or something else. I started wondering if she saw this as her family too.  After all my husband's genealogy is his and my children's, but not mine. I don't necessarily feel tied to all the people I will never meet. They are my husband's family.

When she was younger, I would have been mad at myself for even contemplating such a thing. Of course it was her family, of course she felt ties to it. I never wanted to deny her birth heritage, but I wanted her to embrace my family as well. I wanted equal time at least.  Now a little older, wiser (maybe) and more secure I recognize that it's not how I feel but how she feels. This is hers.

I know she definitely feels the people she knows and sees all the time are her family, cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. But what about the people she will only meet through stories, genealogy charts and cemetery markers?

I hesitated to ask her about it, because why create issues where there may be none. But I couldn't help it. I didn't want her to think that I didn't feel she was a part of the lineage. I also didn't want to invalidate what she was thinking or feeling.

So, walking along a dusty road, I asked if she viewed all this history as that of my family or hers? She immediately responded so obviously she had been thinking about it. She said it was a little of both, but she wasn't part of the "genetics." I asked her if she felt ties to her birthmother's ancestors. She said not really because her birthmother was adopted too. Doh, I thought, feeling like an idiot. 

In the last couple of years, she has really been fascinated by all things French Canadian. I knew this was because it's part of her birth mom’s heritage. Canada is Daughter #1's favorite country. Her birthfather is Czech and she has started claiming that as her own too.  She used to identify herself as Irish, like me, but now will say Czech and Canadian. Years ago this would have hurt me, thinking it was a rejection of me. Maybe she didn't really view me as her "real mother." Now I think I just somehow grew up. She loves me; I am a part of her, but not the only part. You would think with all my belief in open adoption that this would have been automatic with me, but it took time.

I wonder it this is something that those of you adopting internationally or adopting older children never even contemplate? I also know some adult adoptees who absolutely feel part of their "adoptive" family's history.

My favorite curly-haired Nashville girl, I would love your perspective on this, either through a comment or email.

Comments

[Kristin H.]

Really thoughtful post! Isn't it interesting, how these things have changed for you both, as she has gotten older. You both have grown! Thanks for sharing this.

[gawdessness]

It stays at the back of my mind, right now. Ready to charge to the forefront whenever we actually have the children that will be ours.
I have been so immersed in trying to prepare myself for being open and accepting of their personal histories and birth family connections.
I do wonder though. Will we try and make trips back to their birth ancestor's home towns etc.?
Right now, I will play it by ear. Trying to provide them with all the support they need to do what they need and want to do.
For years I have thought that I had successfully divorced myself from my father and assumed that meant from his extended family. Then I went back to my paternal grandmother's home and it all meant so much to me.
It will be something that will be on my mind for at least a little while now.
Thank you.

[peripateticpolarbear]

I wonder about these things too. I had a very close friend who was adopted, and knows a good bit about her birth parents (who are both deceased), but really struggles with the "what's your ethnic heritage" questions. She claims her adopted family as her only real family, but doesn't claim their germanness as hers.

It's really interested to read not just what D#1 is thinking, but how your thinking as changed as well.

Thank you for this.

[yankee transplant]

I'm so glad you wrote about this. Although mine were not open adoptions, it is obvious to the entire world that my childrens' heritage is not connected to my own, by blood or genetics. Like you, I know my children love me and claim my relatives as theirs, but because we can't "pass" as blood relatives, there is always the question as to how they view their birth families and that connection. You are smart and right to allow her the freedom to question and challenge her life. I would SO love to meet you, Mustang or no Mustang!

[biscuit]

Interesting and thought provoking post.. As an adoptee, I know in my head that I am not blood related to my geneaolgy, but I AM. I am so connected to it, fascinated by it, and immersed in it, that even though I know my biological mother, I have no little interest in finding out about that lineage.
Perhaps it is that the people who raised me, my family, shaped the person I am, so that I naturally feel like one of them. Recently we had a wonderful family event happen, that should have happened a long time ago, but anyway.. I did some PR for it, and so I was getting all of this information.. and getting all of these souveniers from the event sent to me by one of my aunts, she made the comment that it was sad that her own daughter wasn't even interested, and I commented that It was sad that the one person who truly cared about the family name, isn't even blood.. well I won't get into exactly what was said to me, but needless to say I won't ever be making a comment like that again. In their eyes, I am one of them, regarless of where my blood came from. And I think that was the validation I needed from them, to not feel so weird to be so connected to something, that technically isn't even mine.
Interestingly enough, my adopted geneolgy is also French Canadian..
As far as the biological connection, I really don't have one.. I know the family, and we are on great terms, but I have to say it is very odd to be introduced to someone and have them sort of claim you as their own.. I don't really know how to explain it.. but it's making for interesting dialogue with my therapist at the moment! :)
peace
biscuit